My Best Friend Werner

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"Double vodka, no ice."

"Rough day?" asked the bartender, pouring the drink.

"My best friend Werner ran off with my wife last night," replied the man.

"I'm sorry to hear that.  How long have you been friends?"

"Since last night."

Funny short joke

The Trouble And Strife

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"Gawd, am I in trouble," sighed Joe, as he and Marty staggered home from the pub. "The missus is gonna kill me."

"Will she be waiting?" asked Marty.

"No," replied Joe, "but it don't matter none. She'll wake up.  I've tried everything: parking the car a block from the house and walking the rest of the way, entering the house as quietly as a I can, taking off my shoes before climbing the stairs, even getting undressed in the bathroom... but the minute I get into bed she wakes up and all hell breaks loose."

Marty laughed loudly. "You're doing it all wrong, my friend.  I speed up the car and slam on the brakes when I reach my house so that my tires squeal.  Then I slam the front door loudly, stomp up the stairs, bounce on the bed and grab my wife's backside, saying, "Hey honey, how 'bout a little sexy time?

She never seems to wake up."
 Funny Angry Wife Husband Rolling Pin Joke

Gorilla By Candlelight

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The old janitor shuffled over.  "What?"

"I need to ask you a big favour."

"I'm busy raking up the leaves," replied the old man, turning to go.

"It's worth 2000 dollars."


"Yes, it's the female gorilla: Maisie.  She's in heat, but I can't find a mate for her, and she's becoming increasingly agitated."

"I don't know any gorillas, mate."

I smiled at the joke.  "No, I wondered if you would mind having sex with her."

"For 2000 dollars?"

I nodded.

The janitor scratched his grey stubble for a moment, and then replied, "OK, but under three conditions."


"Yes. First: no one must know."


"Second: I won't kiss the beast."

"Sure. And third?"

"I need a bit of time to get the money together."

 funny zoo gorilla mating sex joke